Financial Impacts of Being a Part of the LGBTQ+ Community

Before we begin today’s post we wanted to send a very warm THANK YOU for those who voted for Modern FImily for this year’s Plutus Awards.  We are incredibly humbled and honored to announce that we have been selected as finalists for two categories: Best Canadian Finance Content and Best Content Series!  Whoa!  We are literally at a loss of words.  Little ole us?!  Still can’t believe it.  We are with amazing company, most of which we have befriended over the year, so really just being named a finalist is all I could have asked for. No matter who wins, we’ll be thrilled since were all friends anyway.

Again, thank you! And now on to the show.

We’ve been asked a few times to touch on how being a part of the LGBTQ+ community has impacted our journey to financial independence.  To be honest, I hadn’t put much thought into this in the past as I truly did not think there was any sort of connection between the two.  Being asked this multiple times made Nic and I do some soul searching to try to figure out how being a lesbian has helped and/or hindered our path to financial independence.  We’ve had the chance to talk about this topic on two podcasts so far, Queer Money and Earn & Invest, but we have yet to actually write about this topic.  Emily over at Money After Graduation contacted us to see if we’d be interested in writing a guest post on their awesome site regarding this topic.  So here we are, finally putting our thoughts into written words!

We wrote a guest post that was originally published on Money After Grad on July 24, 2020.  You all know I’m a rambler with my words so the original version I sent over had been edited down a bit as they have size limits for their posts.  After speaking with Emily, she thought it would be a great idea for us to publish the entire post here as she loved the original draft version.

If you’d like to read the original (longer) version, see below.  If you’d like to read the shortened version, check out that post on their website: Being LGBTQ Is My Family’s Greatest Financial Asset.

Here we go!

---

First off, thank you Money After Graduation for having me on.  We are a lesbian family who reached financial independence in 2018 for our family of 3 at the ages of 32, 30, and 1.  This means that we have saved and invested enough money in which our passive income produces enough money to cover our annual expenses for the rest of our lives.  Essentially, work has become optional for us.  We are hoping to become a family of 4 in the near future so I am still working part time for another year or so as we have a higher passive income goal in mind that we are close to reaching.

When our daughter was born in 2018, my wife, Nic, decided that after taking 18 months of Canada’s generous parental leave, she would no longer return to the hospital as an RN and instead become a stay at home mom (aka the hardest job in the world).  In 2019, I decided to transition to a part time role which allows me to be at home with my family 80% of the time (I’m off 292 days a year, it’s glorious).  Life has always been about enjoying the ride along the way and not one of deprivation and grind, grind, grind in hopes that a new world will be presented to us once we reach this magical number indicating we’ve reached financial freedom.

We started opening up about our story back in 2019 by starting an Instagram account, ModernFImily, and our blog, www.modernfimily.com.  While we are open with our sexual orientation, we’ve never really talked about it publicly on our blog as we didn’t think it was worth talking about to be honest.  Over the past few months, more and more people have approached us asking about how our sexual orientation has shaped our lives and our finances.  We decided to speak about this topic on a few podcasts, Queer Money and Earn & Invest, but we still have yet to put anything in writing.  Until now.  So here we go!

Many people within the LGBTQ+ community find themselves in unsupported family situations when coming out of the closet and some are kicked out of their homes.  How a parent can suddenly no longer love their child simply because of who they love is beyond me.  Many people within the LGBTQ+ community start off with this disadvantage from the start which leads to higher mental health issues such as depression, homelessness, anxiety, suicide, etc.  Thankfully, our parents have been supportive of our decisions and we’ve never had to question where we are going to sleep for the night.

I first “discovered” that I liked girls my senior year of high school when a friendship with another female turned into more than a just a friendship.  Prior to that point, I never was interested in someone of the same sex and I had short-term boyfriends here and there throughout middle school and high school.  When I kissed her, my mind exploded with so many thoughts.  “What are you doing?”, “What is going on here?”,  “I kind of liked that, what does this mean?”, “I can’t tell anyone about this!”, etc.  I felt trapped like I had this big secret to tell yet I could not tell anyone about it.  It was a very awkward part of my life where I did not feel comfortable inside my own skin.  We secretly dated (although looking back, I was so naive, there is no way my parents did not know…) and it took me another year or so to be more comfortable to start opening up to others.  I was never ashamed of who I was and I knew I would have a very supportive family to come out to yet uttering the words “Hey mom, dad, I like girls” was way too frightening to me.  I put it off for years until I finally found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  For whatever reason, I thought my life would take a 180 for the worse if I finally came clean with my big secret.

I slowly started telling a few friends about that first experience and/or future relationships.  Turns out, many of my friends were closeted as well.  Who knew?!  And those who were straight couldn’t care less what my sexual orientation was.  By coming out, I was able to freely be myself and not be judged.  I was finally able to just be me.  That lingering thought of “what will their reaction be” is no longer something I ever need to think about.  Fast forward to my university years and I was going to gay bars and clubs and dancing the night away without a care in the world of who saw me.  I was embracing it and able to create amazing friendships with other members of the LGBTQ+ community.

By not overly thinking about this aspect of my life anymore, I was able to let those negative and stressful thoughts dissipate and instead enjoy life rather than be afraid of it.  If someone didn’t approve of my lifestyle, they didn’t belong in my life anyway.  Thankfully, I have never received any hate or discrimination because of my sexual orientation and I always remind myself to step back and reflect on this as many members of the LBGTQ+ community went through a much tougher coming out experience than I did.  I have many things to be grateful for in life and having a supportive network is definitely one of them.

Because I could free my worries away in regards to this aspect of my life, I had more bandwidth available to focus on other things in life, such as personal finances.  Because I was feeling more and more comfortable with myself, I was gaining more confidence in all aspects of life.  Because I shifted away from the norm when it comes to relationships, it was easier for me to escape many of the other societal norms in life.

Now that I stop and think about it, my sexual orientation and my coming out experience greatly shaped the person I am today.  Not just for the obvious fact that I am married to another woman, but for the fact that I have a questioning attitude towards many facets of life.  I questioned myself for a long time and once I became comfortable in my own skin, those inward questions transformed into outward questions on life such as:

• Why are people unhappy?  Does working more and making more money really lead to more happiness?
• What is this crazy consumerist world we live in?  Why do so many people fall prey to marketing and advertising?
• How did I end up with $65,000 in student loan debt?  How do I become debt free ASAP?
• What type of life do I want to live?
• What does it take to create a happy life?  Are they “things” or “experiences”?  What’s more important, giving or getting?
• Do I really need a TV?
• How can I gamify life to maximize enjoyment but keep costs low?
• How do I get other people to pay my mortgage for me?
• Are people with large homes and fancy cars really able to afford these things?  Or are they putting on this persona of being rich when their bank accounts can’t back up their spending habits?
• Do I really want to climb the corporate ladder?
• How do I quit my job to travel around the world for a year?
• Why do people assume that those living in a big house have a lot of money?
• Do I really care what other people think of me?

Since I’m already an “outcast” in society because of my sexual orientation, I felt much more comfortable thinking differently about societal norms in general.  Is the “dream” of working hard, climbing the corporate ladder, buying a two story 3,000 square foot home with a white picket fence, having a boat/RV/ATV, driving fancy cars, taking exotic vacations, having 2 kids in private school, and retiring at 65+ really my dream or someone else’s?

Once I realized that this was not my dream life, I started questioning what my dream life would look like.  At that point my dream life entailed having no debt and having the time and energy to pursue my passion of travel.  I wanted to be in control of my money, not the other way around.  So that’s what I focused on.  I didn’t care about the latest car or tech gadget. I couldn’t tell you what fashion style was trendy.  I didn’t care about fancy restaurants.  I couldn’t tell you what movies were out in theaters.  I found free or low cost activities for entertainment (going to the beach, happy hours & potlucks with friends, free music concerts, using the gym in my complex, etc.) and focused my money towards aggressively paying off my debt.

Within 2.5 years, I paid off $70,000 in student loan debt ($65,000 student loans + $5,000 in interest).  The next step was to save up for a down payment.  Once I had saved enough for a 20% down payment, I purchased my first town house.  Within 2.5 years of this purchase, the mortgage was paid off thanks to having 3 roommates paying way more than my monthly mortgage costs.  During this time I learned about travel hacking and have visited over 25 countries for fractions of what a typical vacation would cost.  In 2012 I discovered Mr Money Mustache and the FIRE Movement (Financial Independence Retire Early) and I knew I found my people.  I also met my now wife and life is damn good.

We were already applying many of the FIRE principles of living below our means, saving a majority of our income, investing the rest, etc. but I didn’t realize there was a whole group of people who were also focused on this lifestyle.

Thanks to my sexual orientation, I questioned societal norms and realized the most important thing was to just be me.  I didn’t have to live someone else’s life.  I had to figure out who I was and how to design a happy life to my standards.  Not someone else’s.  I had to figure out what it is that I actually value, focus on those things, and cut out the fluff.  I’ve learned that no one cares more about you, than you.  You have to become comfortable and confident with yourself and just do you.  Be weird.  Be different.  Those are AMAZING qualities.  Do not hide them.  Embrace them.

The norm is to be overworked, stress eat, get a heart attack, and die.  That does not sound appealing to me at all.  Everyone is so entrenched in their own little bubble trying to show off to other people who ultimately don’t really care or even notice because they are too concerned with themselves.  It’s a Catch 22 really.  We’re all working so hard to put on this front that we made it.  But made it according to who?  Likely not our own inner selves.  We’re trying to keep up with the Joneses but in reality, they are broke.

No one cares that I drive a 2009 Toyota Corolla.  No one cares that many of my shoes and clothes are more than 5 years old.  No one cares that we live in a 1,500 square foot townhouse instead of a 3,000+ square foot single family home.  No one cares that a majority of our daughters’ books, toys, clothes, etc. are second hand.  No one cares that the laptop I’m writing this on is 10 years old.  No one cares that our phone plan “only” has 1 GB of data.  No one cares that many of the furnishings and decor in our home were DIY rather than from an upscale boutique shop. No one cares that we don’t have cable.

These are personal decisions that are affecting our life and our life only.  For the better I must add.  We instead are using the income we earn to build up our investments to give us true wealth, time.  I don’t have time to be someone I’m not.

Escape the mindset that you have to be a certain person to “make it”.  You can’t be yourself if you are trying to be liked or fit in.  You don’t need to prove anything to anyone else.  Stop caring about what people think of you.  They may judge you.  They may question you.  Who cares.  Just be you.  If you spend all your time pleasing a group of people or trying to pretend to be someone you’re not, you’ll never really be who you are and you won’t succeed.  Regardless of your sexual orientation, you need to determine what a happy life means to you and to focus on that.  My sexual orientation helped to create this mindset for me, and for that, I am thankful.

Once I figured this out, it was like a revelation that I didn’t have to work so hard to be nice to every one because I was just being myself.  I didn’t have to hide my true self to others.  Let that mental stress dissipate.  I could still be (and am) polite, but I won’t give false platitudes about getting together again when I don’t mean it.  Don’t feel like you need to please everyone.  It’s just not possible.  I have no time for superficial, time-sucking relationships of any kind.  And that, although hard to learn and adapt, has given me true peace and calm.

Be authentic.  Be yourself.  There’s no point in being anyone but you.

---

Thank you Emily for approaching us about this important topic.  Sorry it’s taken us so long to get our thoughts on this out.  Now that we’ve taken the time to write about this, it’s very clear there IS a connection between being a part of the LBGTQ+ community and our mindset towards our finances. Be a Fruit Loop in a world full of Cheerios.

For those who are part of the LGBTQ+ community, have you ever made the connection between how your sexual orientation has impacted your finances?  Was there a positive or negative correlation?  For those who are not part of the LGBTQ+ community, is there anything from this article that you could relate to somehow?  For those who are allies, thank you, please continue to use your platform and voice to show your support. We’d love to hear your thoughts!

If you’d like to check out the two podcast episodes mentioned above, here they are:

• The Earn & Invest Podcast: “Coming out of the Financial Closet with Travis Shakespeare and Modern FImily”
• Queer Money – Ep. 200 “7 Steps To Achieve A FIRE Lifestyle”

Support This Blog

If you liked this article and want more content like this, please support this blog by sharing it.  Not only does it help spread the FIRE, but it lets me know what content you find beneficial.  Writing is NOT my strong suit and it honestly takes me hours to write each post so the more encouragement the better!  Engaging in the comments below keeps me motivated.  You can also support this blog by subscribing to receive emails anytime a new post is published.  Thank you FImily!

We believe in stacking up life hacks to keep your enjoyment levels to the max without depleting your bank account.  Here are some ways to further educate yourself and save thousands of dollars over your lifetime by making some simple adjustments:

• Investing Newbies: Check out our free Investing 101 Series.
• How much are you paying for your phone plan?  Canadians, learn more about Public Mobile, and see how we are paying $3/mo for our cell phone plan.
• How much are you paying for internet?  Canadians, learn more about the various Independent Service Providers out there to see who services your area so you can lower your monthly bills.
• How much are you paying for home insurance?  We were able to reduce our rates by 25% by switching over to Square One Insurance.  If you live in BC, AB, SK, MB, and ON, check out Square One for your home insurance, landlord insurance, and/or tenant insurance.  Use this link to receive an extra $15 off your quote.  (Note that you must use this link to start the process to get the $15 off even if you prefer to pay over the phone.)
• How much are you paying for your monthly utility bills?  See how you can likely save on this monthly expense.

Sharing is caring!